Ally Malinenko - One Poem

Porn

I wonder if those hard little tits hurt more

shoved into the mammogram machine.

I wonder if they’ve ever had a sonogram,

been sung to by that gentle click and whir,

sat on the paper-lined table

and been told by a grim-faced technician

that the doctor will be right in.

No, I tell myself,

they are too young,

but then again,

statistically

so am I.

And I wonder

if anyone in her family has been tested,

if she knows about any risks.

Her tits are perfect

which is a stupid observation.

She’s in porn.

the job requirements might not be extensive

but I’m sure a flat stomach

and perfect tits are two of them.

The scar across my nipple stares up at me

unblinking

like an expectant child waiting for its turn

on the merry-go-round.

The sticker, inked black by a technician with a sharpie

is a crosshair just below my clavicle.

It’s the marker where the radiation beam

must be shot

every

single

day.

But for her

there is just skin

supple and young.

On the screen

the man, slick and shiny

comes

and the girl

smiles a loose, gratified smile.

She makes the same face

I had hoped to make

on my own

which was the whole point of this.

The video ends

and I slide my hand

from between my legs,

roll over on the bed,

whisper,

Fuck you, cancer.

You ruined even this.

Ally Malinenko is the author of The Wanting Bone and How to Be An American (Six Gallery Press) as well as the YA novel This is Sarah (Bookfish Books). Her most recent poetry book, Better Luck Next Year is forthcoming from Low Ghost Books. She tweets at @allymalinenko mostly about David Bowie, Doctor Who and stupid cancer.